Parenting Basics

Parent Your Kids. Keep Your Sanity

If you are a typical parent, you live in constant concern for the welfare of your children. Usually when you are struggling with a problem, it is not because you do not care or have not tried to resolve it. Rather, you probably have been trying too hard—which often makes problems worse.

You may have promised yourself you would not treat your child the same way your parents treated you, but still catch yourself doing it with similar results. Or, you may parent differently than your parents did, and this does not work either.

If you are dealing with a difficult behavior, chances are you have either tried bending over backward to be kind and understanding, or have used every form of restriction and penalty you can come up with. You may have tried both.

When you raise your voice to be heard, your child also raises his/her voice until you are both yelling. When you are “super nice” and understanding, your child seems to take you for a patsy. When you strike a deal, you find yourself living up to both ends of the bargain.

You know you need a model for parenting that works. You just do not know what it is yet.

Below are some ideas for parenting while maintaining an appropriate parent-child friendship. As you read these, keep in mind that the goal is not to become a peer or buddy to your child, but to influence your child more easily and effectively. These tend to work because children value and want to please their parents.

Take time to consider your own relationships.  Who do you really trust? Who do you respect without resentment? What have they specifically done to gain your trust and respect? They may include your best boss ever, or a favorite adult you enjoyed as a child. As you take time to consider and list out specifically what they did to earn this status in your life, you may find strategies useful for parenting.

Recognize and respect the fact that children have a unique logic of their own. If you are willing to listen, they are usually willing to give you tips on how to understand their world, so you can help them negotiate your world with less stress (Nelson, Lott and Glenn, 1999). Children generally concede to adults’ directives more easily if they feel loved, respected, and emotionally understood (Ginott, 2003). Children’s reactions to parenting in the absence of love, respect, and understanding are often perceived as more intentional and less reactive than they are. Children are often seen as thinking in a much more adult way than they are capable of thinking (e.g., the “rebellious” toddler).

Develop and express an attitude of faith that your child will develop into a mature adult at his/her own unique pace. Your child learns and creates internal models of how to think and behave by observing you.

Model what you want. Children learn a tremendous amount by observation. If you want a child to show kindness, respect and cooperation, you must model kindness, respect, and cooperation toward your child as well as others.

Consistently describe what you want, rather than what you don’t want. By describing what you want, you keep your message clear. Saying “Hold your cup steadily,” rather than “Don’t spill your milk,” focuses on how to overcome a problem by mastering a skill.

Try behavior charts and checklists. One grandmother parenting two ADHD grandchildren used a big, colorful behavior rewards chart. She made sure it included items they already did well or ways they enjoyed helping out. This way they could always look forward to getting some points, even if they were having a difficult week.

In using rewards (money, things, and privileges), consistently give the reward after it is earned.

In using punishments, keep in mind that the best punishments generally fit the category of “natural consequences” referred to by so many parenting books. Natural consequences typically involve the typical responses irresponsibility or misbehavior earn.
Examples include:
•Having to stay after school for violating a rule.
•Losing out on going swimming because he/she failed to do
previously agreed to chore in time.
•Getting hurt by being reckless.
•“Timing out” a misused tool or toy.
•Taking a time-out to calm down if he/she is becoming to
loud or rowdy.
Over time, these kinds of consequences teach children how the world works, and help them adjust their behavior to get more of the best life has to offer.

Typically, the best response to a child earning consequences is empathy and encouragement. “I’m sorry you missed going swimming,” rather than a lecture about keeping promises to you, or how your child “never” does chores on time.

Consider that the statement “Children often do things for attention,” is only partially right at best. Children really do crave and need love and affection.

Regarding information resources, I recommend:
1. John Gottman’s Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. (It could
also be titled “How to Raise an Emotionally Civilized Child.”) I
prefer the DVD over the book (available at www.gottman.com  or
by calling 888-523-9042). His speaking style is clear and
practical. You can view the 90 minute video several times and
still pick up something new each time.
2. Manuel Smith’s practical work on assertiveness, When I Say No I
Feel Guilty. You can catch the gist of Smith’s approach on my
tip sheet, “Be Heard!”
3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by
Faber and Mazlish. I often use ideas from this book when
working with adults who grew up in troubled families.

Your children may benefit immensely from you getting help for yourself.

As I began doing experiential therapies with people, they brought back stories about their changing relationships with their children. I realized that as they began to get what they had needed growing up, they more easily gave the same to their own children.

Reports have included increased ability to say “no” and less need to rescue a child from the consequences of his/her misbehavior “again.” These parents often described themselves as more relaxed, friendlier, yet tactfully firmer when they needed to be.

Signs that you might benefit from getting your own therapy include:
1. Difficulty relaxing under normal stress.
2. Always cleaning up others’ messes (not necessarily just your kids’).
3. Feeling guilty saying “no” to others (including your kids).
4. Feeling tired all the time from doing others’ work (not necessarily
just your kids’ work).
5. Feeling frequently angry, fearful, or depressed.
6. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs.


References:

Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen &Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Avon Books, Inc., 1980.
Ginott, Haim G. Alice Ginott, H. Wallace Goddard. Between Parent and Child. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2003.
Gottman, John. Joan Declaire. Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. New York: Fireside, 1997. (video version available from www.gottman.com)
Nelsen, Jane, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn. Positive Discipline A-Z, Second Edition. Roseville, CA: Prima Publishing, 1999.
Smith, Manuel. When I Say No I Feel Guilty. New York: Bantam Books, 1975.

Copyright 2009 Gordon Glessner
Gordon Glessner, M.A.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
At Link Care Center
1734 W. Shaw Avenue
Fresno, CA 93711
(559) 439-2647 Ext. 143