Be Heard!

Be Heard!

An Assertiveness Tip Sheet

Like many, you may struggle with saying what you mean and meaning what you say. One part of you knows what you think and feel, while another part convincingly insists, “You can’t say that!”

Because you cannot find the right way, you never say it. You do not want to sound bossy or look silly. You may fear someone will get angry. For whatever reason, stating the truth as you see it feels strangely dangerous.

Then again, you may believe that you must express yourself loudly and bluntly to get your point across—even though others still do not get your point. In your frustration you talk louder and louder to make yourself heard, only to find the other person just gets louder with you—and nothing changes. Or you just give up, and nothing changes. In either case, you feel like the other person “won” and you “lost.” Frustrated and discouraged, you often feel alone.

The truth is, clearly stating what you think, how you feel, and what you want can be difficult. Some people can act like you said something you did not, demean you and your opinion, or indifferently walk away. Others expect you to prove your point by their logic when their logic is part of the problem. Still others can change the subject when you get close to making your point clearly.

You know you need a strategy. You just do not know what it is yet.

Here are some ideas that you might find helpful.

Manuel Smith (1975), in his book When I Say No I Feel Guilty, gives great pointers for keeping assertiveness simple by using short, simple statements to stay focused. With his strategy for getting heard, you do not have to raise your voice. Best of all, you can more easily handle most people’s misunderstandings, criticisms, or attempts to derail you.

Here are four simple strategies he describes.

1. Broken Record: You can increase the likelihood of being heard by calmly repeating a clear central statement until the other person actually hears what you say. By staying focused on your central statement, you keep your message clear and avoid being sidetracked.

Example: “I worry when you get home so late. I want you to call me

when you can’t be home by 6 pm.”

2. Fogging: Fogging is a simple word or short phrase that thoughtfully acknowledges the other person’s statement or point of view without compromising your position. Use these to handle criticisms and avoid being side-tracked onto the other person’s agenda.

Examples:

“Perhaps.”

“You could be right.”

“That’s right.”(In response to a true statement the other person

made.)

Sample usage:

Wife: “I worry when you get home so late. I want you to call me

when you can’t be home by 6 pm.”

Husband: “You shouldn’t worry!”

Wife: “Perhaps I shouldn’t. But I do worry when you come home

late, and I want you to call me when you can’t be home by

6 pm.”

3. Negative Assertion: When you “negatively assert,” you calmly repeat an accurate observation about yourself made by someone who is trying to control the conversation by criticizing you or pushing your buttons.

When you can calmly acknowledge what a critic sees, hears, or knows about you, he or she discovers that intimidating you with criticism is now more difficult. At the same time, you can stay focused on what is important to you.

Examples:

“That was dumb of me, wasn’t it?”

“I really did overreact, didn’t I? “

Example usage:

Husband: “You’re just like your mother!”

Wife: “My mother and I do have a lot in common, don’t we?

Nevertheless, I worry when you get home late, and I want you

to call if you can’t be home by 6 pm.”

Keep in mind that determined people often try several different statements to push your button before giving up.

4. Negative Inquiry: When you “negatively inquire,” you ask the other person exactly what they believe is “wrong with” or “bad about” what you think, feel, do, or want to do. If you lead with statements like “I don’t understand,” or “I am confused,” people often open up more easily—and this is what you want.

While on the surface negative inquiry seems to invite more hurt and criticism, it actually seeks mutual understanding. It probes into the heart of the other person’s concerns. When successful, it opens pathways to understanding, mutual acceptance, and solutions.

As Smith points out, many times people who disagree with us feel uncomfortable, or even embarrassed by the real reason they are unhappy. They may even fear making conflicts worse by being honest.

Examples:

“I don’t understand. What makes [whatever] wrong?”

“I’m confused. What don’t you like about [whatever]? “

In Smith’s example on page 121 of his book, a wife criticizes her husband’s sport fishing. The husband responds with negative inquiry rather than acting hurt and angry.

Husband: “I don’t understand. What is it about my fishing that is bad?

Wife: “It makes you tired (or gives you a headache, or makes you smell

bad)."

Husband: “I don’t understand.” What is wrong about feeling tired?”

Wife: “When you are so tired, we don’t go out in the evening (or have

any fun).

Be aware that for some issues, you need to “negatively inquire” through several layers of criticism to get to the real issue.

Smith’s book details descriptions of his strategies with the reasons that underlie them. He gives relevant examples to show how to use his strategies in common situations. These examples show the flexibility of his model, and reading them helps you mentally rehearse using them.

I recommend Smith’s book to clients often because it is so simple and practical.

John Gottman, the internationally known marital researcher, has also discovered key skills used in conflict resolution by “the masters of marriage” in his extensive couple research.

While Gottman’s research (Gottman, 2000) focuses on couple relationships, it makes sense that his advice can help in other relationships.

Here are four of his strategies:

1. Keep the conversation predominately positive and affirming. Gottman found that the masters of marriage keep their conversations predominately positive, even in conflict.

2. Accept at least some part of the blame for the problem. Acknowledging that you share at least some blame for the problem can help both of you work together to resolve a shared problem.

3. Use a “softened startup” in making a complaint or bringing up a problem (In marriage, this is often more important for women, as they typically bring up the problems). Use a softened tone of voice. Acknowledge the other’s concerns about the issue first, which lets him know you have heard him, which may help him hear you in turn.

4. Learn to self-soothe in order to stay attentive in the discussion (In marriage, this is usually most important for men, who tend to shut down in conflicts). Gottman points out that most men shut down in conflict to calm themselves. They do this to avoid making a bad situation worse. Their wives, however, tend to see shutting down as (1) not caring and (2) abandonment.

Not surprisingly, a wife who feels abandoned will often increase her attempts to get her husband to talk—often by criticizing or raising her voice to get a reaction. She will usually do this more from fear and hurt than from anger alone.

Strategies for self soothing or self calming can include taking deep breaths, reminding yourself that listening is more powerful than “winning” the argument, or visualizing a calming scene (Gottman, 2000). If that is not working, you can explain that you are feeling overwhelmed, need some time to get your thoughts together, and schedule a time when you both can talk about the problem more calmly.

According to Gottman, couples do much better in conflict if the person who typically shuts down can stay meaningfully engaged. Again, this is usually the man.

Another book worth reading is Your Perfect Right (Alberti and Emmons, 2001). The authors describe the posture and tone of voice for effective assertiveness. They carefully describe the differences between assertiveness, non-assertiveness and aggressiveness.

In this book, you will find a self test to help you identify your assertiveness style (assertive, aggressive, or non-assertive). You can read a significant number of examples showing how to state your case more effectively.

Ideally, you master managing conflict intuitively. That is, you have no need to consciously struggle through lists of what to say and how to say it. Your responses flow from who you are in the moment of conflict, and what you do frequently succeeds. When it fails, you can usually self-correct—if the other person will allow you to.

You will likely find operating intuitively difficult if you have a history of being criticized, abused, ignored, or repeatedly disappointed–if you have never made peace with that history.

Painful past experiences can train you to expect the worst to happen, even when the worst is unlikely. They can teach you that you are not worthy of good things. They can convince you that you do not deserve to be heard or taken seriously.

You may find that despite your best efforts to communicate calmly and clearly, you still do the same old things with the same painful results. If so, you may benefit from working with a therapist to help you find and resolve what is blocking you.

In using the newer process therapies, I often get to enjoy watching people change rapidly as they lose their fears, and their intuitive ability emerges. I rarely have to convince them they are capable. They usually convince themselves.

References:

Alberti, Robert, and Michael Emmons. Your Perfect Right. Eighth edition. Attascadero, CA: Impact Publishers. 2001.

Gottman, John. Marital Therapy: A Research Based Approach (Three day workshop on VHS or DVD). Seattle, Washington: The Gottman Institute. 2000.

Smith, Manuel J. When I Say No I Feel Guilty. New York: Bantum Books. 1975.